It's amazing what time alone can do for a person... I'm much better... I don't know why or how, but I am...
The other night I came home, I got in bed, and I began to pray... A little while before I went to bed, I heard that song by Carrie Underwood 'Jesus Take the Wheel'... As I prayed, I realized that my prayers didn't have much meaning at all... My prayers consisted of me begging for Joshua back... As I was begging, it hit me hard that I had no control over this... No matter how much I begged or what I tried to do to get Joshua back, in the end, God has control... The tears started to slow down, and I gave God the wheel... This is not the end of my life... It might hurt now, but just because Joshua was the biggest, most important part of my life for so long and will hopefully continue to be, he wasn't the one that had control of my life... God and I have control of my life... I could sit around and cry myself to sleep and dwell on what Joshua is doing and wonder what I did wrong and try to find ways of getting him back and begging God and Joshua to let us get back together, or I could take this and run with it... Joshua is moving on, not to better things, but he decided that this isn't what he wants right now... I've decided that I'm better than her and than the decision Joshua made... I've decided that I'm not going to sit around alone, because I'm not alone... God might have taken something so precious away from me *maybe not forever, but for now*, but with that He also gave me back some things I've been missing... He gave me back some of my best friends *Cat, Candice, and Michelle*, and He has shown me that I have more people than I thought I had... This also proved to me something I thought I already knew... That life is never what you expect... At any given moment, I could lose anyone... Life is never promised... I didn't try hard enough, that was my fault... Joshua gave up, that was his fault... That's the fact, we were both at fault, but I realized my mistake, and he may never see his... I'm different without Joshua, in lots of ways... But he isn't gone, so I know that we'll never not have each other... I know I'm better than her, inside especially but outside too... I'm not jealous, I am not jealous... I can openly and honestly admit that at first I believe I was... But then I thought about it... What in the world is there to be jealous of..?.. I'm not jealous of her looks, because she has to wear 20 pounds of make-up to feel comfortable about herself, and I have enough confidence to not wear hardly any make-up; I'm not jealous of her personality or anything else about her to be honest, I'm not two-faced or backstabbing or lying or heartless, I'm honest and proud of myself; and I'll never be jealous of what they have, because it will never be what me and him have... She has to live with the fact that he'll always love me... I just have to live with the fact that he is being selfish and stubborn right now... I personally feel I got the better end of the deal... But that's just me... I can't make him want to be with me right now, I can't make him love me, I can't make him need me, I can't make him care about me, but I can make him wish that he had never made that stupid mistake he did, and I can make him see what he's missing... God works in the most mysterious ways... And right now, He is doing a number on me... I never thought I'd lose Joshua the way I did, I never thought Joshua *or me* would be with someone else, I never thought I had this many people who cared, and I never thought I would be this strong about this whole situation... I'm not scared... I'm not afraid... I'm not nervous... I'm not jealous... I am hurt, I am in love, I am stronger than I thought, and I am going to make it through this...
-You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do something in spite of your feelings. -The pain passes, but the beauty remains. -I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. -Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. -The best way out is always through. -For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. -The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. -One who loves, believes the impossible. -Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive; the risk to be alive and express who we really are. -Where there is love, there is pain. -Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes.
My heart is still hurting and aching, but time heals all wounds... My wounds will remain scars for the rest of my life, but scars remind us that what we had was real... I'll always know that what me and Joshua have is real, the scars will never let me forget that...