The more I look at the situation I am in, the prouder I get... No, I'm not over him in any way.. no, I'm still in love.. no, I'm not as mad at him as I should be... but look at me... really take a good long look... I don't mope around school with tears in my eyes, with no smile, with no emotion, just being depressed and alone... I walk around with a smile on and not just any smile, a real smile, and I laugh, and I make jokes, and I say hey to him and walk past, and I watch him and her walk together down the halls and I don't get one tear in my eye, I talk to people, and I still care for him... I'm so proud of myself for not pushing everyone away... I know that I'm not alone... And that is the most wonderful feeling ever.. to finally look at my life and see that I'm NOT alone!! My heart is still in pieces with him... I'm still hurt... I'm not healed... But I know that I'm doing great... Maybe I won't get asked out on a date anytime soon, and maybe no guy will like me for quite sometime, but that just gives me more girl time!! And since I've missed out on a lot of that because I didn't think I had any girls to have girl time with, I'm cherishing and loving every minute of it!! It feels so good when I smile, because I know I'm not faking it *well, not always... not usually*... I'm at the saddest and happiest point of my life... But what a great contradiction it is!!!! I still want to be with him, but I know that the feeling is just natural and I know that God has control... I can't say that I have many complaints *just like Cat*... God will give me what I deserve... And He knows what's best for me... And hopefully Joshua will figure out what is best for him... I just can't get over the fact that he can't see what he's giving up... I know that sounds conceited, but it's the truth... But maybe some guy will ask me on a date soon... If anybody knows anybody, I'm open for suggestions... Joshua will always have my heart, but that doesn't mean that I can't still have fun and go out... I don't feel right now that I'll ever 'move on', but I don't think I should sit around and not try to go out with other guys *and I mean go out as in go on a date... not like have a boyfriend...*... I'm not happy that this is happening, but I'm loving where I am... And that is just another great contradiction... If it weren't for Joshua, I wouldn't be where I am today, in so many ways!!! I love him, but right now us getting back together is based on our love, not on me... I won't stop loving him, but I'm not going to keep putting myself down over this... All I can do is show him that his giving up on something spectacular..!
This weekend... WoW!! Friday... ummm, let's just say it kind of sucked until about 8:00... I got bitched out and told that I didn't care... That pissed me off, but then I got around people who really did care about me... But then Saturday I had to babysit for this guy that works with my mom, and Cat came with me... We had a lot of fun... We danced to Grease and watched the Little Rascals and read some magazines with dirty articles in them and then our night got ruined because we found out that we were both just wastes of time... But whatever... Then today, Cat and me just ordered some pizza and watched Friday Night Lights and she left around 3:30, then a couple of hours ago, my mom asked me if I wanted to take a ride in my car... So, we went to show my aunt and cousin my car and rode through town and came home... But I've had a really good weekend and a pretty good week too... I'm so excited because I get my license on Wednesday!! I'm gonna hang out with Matthew and Cat...!! WhOo-HoO!! But I'm about to get off here, I still haven't had a shower... I feel pretty dirty, and not in a good way... lOl...
Thank you for being there for me and picking me up when I needed you... I can't believe we've gone this long without being this close... I love you and appreciate everything you are doing for me right now... You're love and supportive is what is helping me make it through this... I know you want me to believe it's all been me, but it hasn't... If it weren't for you, I'd still be sitting at home by myself doing nothing and pitying myself for this whole situation!! I love you and I can't wait til Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!