Well... Life just sucks... Or do I just suck at life..?!?
I'm sick of some people saying they've been through it... No you fucking haven't... You weren't with you're boyfriend for three years, and he didn't give up on you for some slut... So, no you don't know how I feel... You haven't been through half the shit me and Joshua have been through, so don't say that you 'know how I feel', you've 'been there', because you haven't... That's sounds bitchy I know, but I just hate it when someone who doesn't have any idea tries to be like 'I know exactly how you feel' or 'I'm going through the same thing'.. And I hope everyone knows that's not necessarily towards them... I'll tell you if it's you that is doing that... I'm so glad everyone is being there for me right now... Everyone leaving me comments and stuff... I feel so loved... lol..
So, I've been getting in a lot of girl time and stuff... Been having fun, and not having a lot of time to think about things... But for some reason, I still always seem to have some time to think about things... It only really gets to me when I'm alone, but still... I mean, it's almost like I just don't want to love him anymore... But I do... So much... I don't even have the strength to take off this ring, I can't even take it off and put it on a necklace or anything... EvErYtHiNg makes me think of him or us... EVERYTHING... If I go in Wal-Mart I think about him, about the times we used to go in there and play with the toys, or get junk food, or walk around, and when we'd look at the toys and he'd get behind me and put his arms around me and hold me, and when we'd walk around holding hands or I'd hold his finger or his arm... If I go to Sonic, I think about him, about all the times we'd go up there, the time we drove through there when I was laying down and my feet were on the ceiling and we were laughing hysterically for no reason about it, or all the times we'd sit on his tailgate and eat, or all the times we'd just sit there together and talk and laugh and catch up... If I go out to eat with the girls or the family or anyone, I think about him, about all the times we went out, our first date at O'Charley's when we went out to eat then to Wal-Mart to get junk food then to Justin's house because he was having a little get together and we stayed for like 5 minutes then we went to my house and watched a movie... The Little Black Book, or my birthday at Soprano's everywhere was so busy so we went to Soprano's and we didn't even like the food that much and we both felt sick but we got dessert...Italian Cheesecake or something it had caramel and chocolate and... yum it was so good even though neither of us ate the whole thing, or his birthday at Roadhouse not that long ago at all it was a school night but we still went out to eat and the service was terrible and I paid and we just hung out and I gave him his ring that morning and it was enormous on him, or the time we went to Outback with Cat and Chris and we laughed so much and the waitress was weird and we left like a 10 cent tip... If I lay in bed, I think about him, about all the times we fell asleep on his bed or my bed or all the times we'd just lay in bed for hours talking and laughing or all the times we just laid in bed holding each other not even needing to say a word... Why does it have to be this way..?.. It hurts really bad when all the guys are like 'Would Josh get mad if we went on a date?'... HELLO, he broke up with me... Why the hell do you care if he gets mad, he doesn't want me!! Maybe I'm not ready to move on past him... But I want to go out... I'm ready... Like I said, it's only really hard when I'm alone... I think I'd be fine going on a date... I mean, I'm not moping around stuck on him... Well, I'll always be stuck on him, but it's not like I even talk about him at all anymore... I do miss him so much though... When his ring comes back in, I'm still going to give it to him... Because the ring stands for every promise I've made him, and I'm still keeping all of my promises... He can choose to wear the ring, throw it away... Whatever he wants to do... But I'm going to give it to him... Tuesday, the 20th, is our 3 year anniversary, and it's sad to think about this, but it'll also be a month since we broke up... I know that will be really hard for me... I was going to see if he wanted to hang out, but I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, more leaning on none... So, I should probably make plans so I can keep my mind off of the whole anniversary thing as much as I possibly can... I'm honestly not happy with the way things are, but I can't change them... Only God can... And I think I've been doing a damn great job of leaving things to God... He still has the wheel, and He's always going to have it, that's something I'll never be able to change about anything... I still don't fully understand the whole purpose of this, but I know He would never do something unless it had a life changing purpose... Do I blame myself still..?.. Yeah, in some ways... But it's still his fault for giving up on this, on me, on us... And I think I'm starting to deal with the fact that my feelings will probably never change... And I'll always be in love with him, and he'll always have my heart... But it's love, and I'll never say that it wasn't or isn't... I still know in my heart that what we have is love... And I've thought about the whole what if he comes back thing... And I think if he comes back it will probably be harder than what I'm going through right now... Because I'd have to deal with the fact that he could leave again just like that... He could just give up like that again at any moment... So, if he did come back, he'd have to proveSO MUCH to me... He'd have a lot to show me... But I'm not even sure anymore if he is going to come back... And that's really hard to think about... Sometimes I just wish he could see what I'm going through... He has changed SO much since we broke up... I hardly even know him anymore... I know no one knows how I feel, and there's only a couple of people who partly understand how I feel... I just want to be back together... But then... Uh... I don't know... I really don't know anymore... I thought I knew where my life was and where it was going... And then it all just fell apart... And now I'm scared to trust anymore, I'm scared to move on, I'm scared to try anything new, I'm scared to let people love me and care about me, I'm scared to have faith, I'm scared of tomorrow, I'm scared of two minutes from now, I'm scared...
"Because of you, I am afraid..."