There's lots of questions I ask myself... Lots of unanswerable questions...
Why do I let myself do this?.. Let myself hold on when there's not much to hold on to anymore...
Why do I do this to myself?.. I let myself keep faith.. I make myself believe.. I make myself remember everything about us, I won't let myself just let go or even forget for just a second.. I won't let myself just try to move on, I just force myself to be attached to us.. I compare myself to her, there's no need for that.. I compare every guy to him in every way, there's no comparison when I do that.. I put myself down because I'm not good enough for anybody.. I try to blame myself for this, I try to make excuses for him.. I continue to trust him.. I still know there's a chance for us...
Why do I sit at home, still, sometimes and cry?.. Will the tears ever stop?.. What about the heartache?.. The pain?...
Why aren't some things as fun as they should be?.. Things are fun, but I know that I'm not having fun like I should be, because I'm either feeling somewhat guilty for having fun without him or I'm wishing he were there.. It's almost like he's sucking the fun and happiness out of everything...
Why am I so vulnerable?.. I feel sometimes that any guy would be good enough.. Sometimes I find myself noticing a guy I know would treat me like shit and isn't even remotely my type.. It's like, at this point, just having a guy is more important than happiness.. Or, maybe, I just think I don't have a chance with good guys.. Maybe I don't want a freaking chance.. Maybe I'm scared to take the chance.. If I did start liking a guy it wouldn't work because I'd fall for that guy too fast, that guy would care too much about what Joshua thinks, that guy would care too much about me, or I wouldn't be able to really start to like that guy because I'd think about Joshua too much with him.. What if I don't want to move on?.. What if I do?.. I'm just trying to make him jealous.. I just want someone to like me..A good guy.. Him...
Why does no one care?.. Why does no one care about my feelings?.. Why does everybody just care what Joshua wants right now?.. Why does no one want to be there unless it's okay with him?.. Doesn't anybody give a shit about Sage, ME?.. All the guys care about is if Joshua will be mad.. Even some of my guy friends have asked me if Joshua will get mad that we're hanging out or even talking.. Can't you see that that freaking hurts?.. Hurts my feelings and my heart.. He broke up with me, so apparently it wouldn't matter too much to him who I'm with.. Gah, I mean, do people think I'm just kidding around when I say I'm hurting?.. He's getting what he wants.. Now I just want what I deserve.. Is that him?.. Is that what I'm getting?...
Why won't, CAN'T I just go on?.. I set myself up for all my falls.. I do like some guys, but they don't like me or they're too close to Joshua to get into anything with me.. But mostly I just realize they're not Joshua...
Why won't anyone notice me?.. Does anyone see my pain?.. The hurt?.. Do guys notice me in anyway?.. Will I ever be cute enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or me enough for anybody?...
Why am I just pushing everyone away?.. Pushing them away like they're not good enough.. Pushing people away like they don't understand or they don't care or they're just trying to be nice.. Why am I forcing myself to be alone?...
Why, after everything, do I still love him?.. No, I do know the answer to that one.. Love doesn't end, doesn't die, doesn't fade.. Things like divorce aren't people falling out of love, it's either they never really were in love or they're making a big mistake.. Love is the strongest thing in this world.. You don't ever really stop loving people.. Love might be the only thing on this earth that never stops.. So, I guess, when I'm not me I'll stop loving him.. And I'll really be able to move on.. And I'll be able to give up.. And I'll stop having faith.. Maybe love is the answer to all those questions.. Maybe I just care too much.. Maybe I should just.. just keep loving him, until he stops...
No, really, if it weren't for everything you've done for me, I wouldn't be here... I just can't help but love you and need you and care so much about you... I'll really always believe... I have faith... You know what's right... You're just being stupid!! And I think you know it... I may not be here forever, or even tomorrow... Maybe you should really think about that and remember that... You can be stupid when I'm gone... Don't throw this away while I'm here... I'll be gone someday, just let me go naturally, not willingly... I love you, and I know you love me.. Just let it be always...!
-The reason most people fail instead of succeed is because they trade in what they want most for what they want at the moment.. -Never look behind, when you're ahead. Never give up, when you're behind.. -Strength is no more than how well you hide your pain.. -Optimist and pessimist view 'the glass half empty is a glass half full' thing differently. Optimist know that once their glass is empty, they can get more; pessimist are scared that once it is gone, they won't get it again. -When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.. -Don't hold on too long, but don't let go too soon.. -What's the point in holding on, if you know you'll just give up in the end.. -Whether you think you can or not, you're right..
"Maybe if I dance fast enough, I won't remember what I've lost"