*Just to forewarn you, this will probably be really long... I'm not really strong right now... So if you don't want to read this whole thing, it's fine... I just have to get it out...*
I just want to give up... I think I'm going to... Just like he gave up on me, I'm giving up on me too...
I'm through trying to act like I'm fine and getting better; I'm through acting like I'm stronger than I am... I'm so through... Everything is going back downhill... I haven't told anyone that, yet... But it is... Everything is headed right back down to this big hole of loneliness and fear...
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE... I don't want to break down anymore... I don't want you to play games with me anymore... Quit playing games with me... If you can't be honest and be a man, then just stop getting my hopes up... You just keep letting me down... You said you couldn't promise anymore, so you said I should just trust your word, just trust you... the you I know... the real you... And stupid me, I did... You let me down again... Then, you said you were sorry... I forgave you, of course, because I don't have a fucking backbone without you... Then, I asked you to just be there... I said it wasn't that hard for you to just be there... I asked if we could just be best friends again... You said yes... Your voice gave me reassurance that we were going to be okay... I trusted you, because you had finally given me a reason to... You answered the next day... you actually answered... that gave me hope that you really would call later like you said you would the day before and that day... You let me down, again... again...it's starting to not surprise me anymore... that's hard and scary and sad at the same time... I can't just keep living for the next time you'll finally have time for me... I've told you over and over that I'm not just some girl... After three years and everything we've been through, I'm never just going to be some girl... NEVER... Yeah, I believe you still love me... I believe that you're still in love with me... I know that JOSHUA knows he loves me and needs me... But whoever you are right now has no fucking clue what he wants... Whoever you are right now can't even tell me what you want with her... I'm not going to keep letting you pretend that she's what you want... I know what you want... And so do YOU... The day we broke up, you said you couldn't hear what your heart was saying... It's because you're not fucking listening... You're not even searching anymore... I don't know this person anymore... You've just lost sight of EVERYTHING important... everything... Why have you just given up?... I don't know if I'm more hurt that you gave up on me or yourself... or us... I just don't know... Sometimes you make me feel like the bad guy... But I'm not... Look at everything I've done the past three years, the past like ten months, or even the past month... Look at everything I've done in the past month that we've been broken up... Do you really not see?.. Just stop being like everyone else... You've never wanted to be like everyone else, but you are being just like them... Them... That's who we said we'd never be... I never thought you'd be like them... Any of them... Stop being stupid... Just stop and think for a minute... Listen to YOUR heart for a minute... Stop being whoever you are right now... Start being you again...
I just want to give up on the whole dating thing... Like why do I even try?.. He doesn't want me to date... Sometimes, I don't want to try to date... He won't let me date... No guy is him... That's the only problem... No one is him... That's the only person I want... No one wants me... Not even him... I can't help but compare... I can't help but see all the bad qualities in other guys... And all I see in him are the great qualities... I don't even look at what he is putting me through right now... I see the same guy I saw a little over a month ago; I see that guy that I met at a basketball game my 7th grade year; I see the guy I fell in love with at 12; I see that guy that I burped in front of, farted on, talked to while I pooped, told all my deepest secrets to; I still see that guy that knows everything about me, all the things I know, all the secrets no one else knows, all the pain in my life, all the things I don't know, all the things I haven't yet found... I don't see the person he is right now... And for some reason, most of the time, I don't see any other guy but him... I don't know sometimes what is holding me back... like those sometimes when I actually want to go have fun with a guy, but won't... those sometimes when I'm out with a guy and I'm not having fun, but usually would be... those sometimes when I'm laughing with a guy and I see him... why?...
Why are you holding me back, if you want to let go?... If you want to be with another girl, then why can't I just try to date another guy?... I don't understand you... YOU CAN NOT HAVE US BOTH... You can't keep playing these games with my heart... It's just not right... You can't call and have these great conversations with me and tell me that you miss me and tell me that everything makes you think about me and tell me that you're going to be there and that you're going to call... and not... You CAN'T keep letting me down... If you're trying to make me give up, you're not... I won't give up on us... All you're doing is making me feel like giving up on myself... Just stop lying... The truth is a lot more manly than not being able to keep your 'word' or your promises... Lying is for pussies and scared boys... Stop being a boy... Just be a man... Be you... Because the person you are right now doesn't fit...
-'Don't hold on too long, but don't let go too soon..'... So how do I know what's too long... or what's too soon... After three years, why don't I know which one is which?... And how come I can't do either?...-'Don't give up if you still want to try. Don't wipe away the tears if you still want to cry..'... I don't know if I should keep trying... If I cry, I'm weak... Sometimes I scare myself because I think about just giving up... After three years, just giving up because of this... What am I doing?...
Why does everyone miss me, but you?... Why does your whole family want me back, but you don't?... You were the one in love... Why does everyone believe in my now, and now you don't?... Why do I have everyone I want now, but you?... You're the only thing missing in my life now... When we were together, I was missing a few things... Things like girlfriends to have girl time with and things to occupy more of my time... But I had you, and that was always enough for me... You were all I needed... And now, I see just how true that is... Now, I have more friends to hang out with *and not only girls* and I have different stuff to take up some of my time... But now there's something bigger missing than there was before... YOU... The only thing I need... The only thing I've ever needed... For the longest time *when we weren't together* I was searching for what was missing... I found you... I realized what huge part of me was gone... And now, I'm searching for you... For the real you that seems to have just disappeared... But when we talk *what little time you do decide I get to hear your voice and breathe again*, I find YOU... And on our three year anniversary, for that little maybe hour or two that we were together, I even found US again... us... and I know you did too... So, stop letting go when you're heart starts to tell you what's right again... Stop shutting your heart up when it's showing you where you're supposed to be... JUST STOP... You... That's all I want is for you to be you again... I miss you... I've never felt the way I do or have these past few weeks... I love you... And these past few weeks have actually showed me just how much I do... Stop giving up... Stop letting me down... If you're sorry for hurting me, then just stop apologizing for it, and start healing my wounds... Start being there again... Start keeping your 'word'... Give me something to trust again... Give me something to hold on to... Give me something to believe in again.. because my faith is running really low... And I'm not willing to give up... Not yet... Not ever... You're different... WE are different... So let us be... Stop holding us back... Always... That's what it's supposed to be... Just remember always... Think about it... Look back and start remembering always...
I'm starting to not even know myself anymore... Some of the things I think about aren't me... Some of the things I'm actually doing... doing to myself... Day after day, things just get worse... I want to live for me... I don't want to live for the next time he'll want to talk or the next time he might have time for me... He should always have time for me... I'm his girl... I'm his... And he should never be too busy for me... I used to live because I had him and we were happy and I knew where my life was going... Now, I live for him... for the next time I'll be good enough... I just want to live... all the time... not just every two or three weeks for just a day... Everyday... I want to do something for myself... I want to get a second hole in my ear lobe, I want to get the like rim of my ear pierced, my belly button, I kind of want to get my eyebrow pierced, I want to get a tatoo... I'm going to do at least two of those things... soon... for myself... If he can go get a girl and just start living his life wihout me, then I'm going to do something for me without him... I'm starting over... Not completely, because I'm not saying that we are over and I'm not saying that we won't work things out, I've just got to start living a little for me and a little less for him *maybe just until he's done being stupid*... I want to start trying new things... I want to live everyday like it could be my last... because, unfortunately, it could be... and right now, I see that, and he doesn't...
'I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna bring me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.'
'Maybe if I dance fast enough, I won't remember what I've lost'