I have a crush and it's actually something I don't feel guilty for and for some reason I don't feel bad for it not being Joshua... But, of course, it's not something that will ever work out... I might as well just face my fate: it's always going to be Joshua...
It's just getting harder and harder... So, I'm just going back to the person I was about a year ago... And, at this point, I'm hurt and I feel HORRIBLE, but I'm not going to do anything to stop it... I mad at myself for doing it and I hate myself right now... But I'm sick of trying to stop the feeling... I'm sick of trying to stop when I really want to... I feel so bad for feeling this way about it, but I'm so sick of just trying... I'm so sick of pretending... Joshua doesn't want to help anymore... which means I'm kind of alone in this part of my problems... No one really understands like he does... not this... And no one really knows how to deal with it like he does... I'm through trying to fix myself... This is somewhat my fault... Now, it's time for me to deal with that... I'm not trying to hurt people... But I'm a failure when it comes to making people proud... I'm disappointing people and letting them down by doing this... But the truth is, I don't know how to stop it right now... And I'm sick of looking for answers why... I'm just going to let it happen... I'm scared to death... But if something tragic comes out of this, maybe it will be for the best... I'm just through trying to pretend like I'm not hurt...
I'm sorry... I'm sorry to those who have been there through this... Old friends and new friends and just everyone who has been there in the smallest way through this... I'm letting you down and I might be just giving up... I just can't... I'm so sorry... I truly am... Please forgive me...
'I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do'
'Maybe if I dance fast enough, I won't remember what I've lost..'